No, not all Nigerians are idiots.

Despite popular belief, not every Nigerian walking on planet earth is an idiot. There are a lot of smart, talented Nigerians left on earth. Problem is—there are a lot more idiotic Nigerians than smart ones. And these idiots do a lot of irreparable damage. They are the reckless modicum of shit that hangs onto your white underwear. That one, yeah, that leaves an embarrassing stain. Sorry, a quick wash of your white Ralph Lauren briefs or Victoria Secret thongs in the toilet basin can’t get rid of that excreta.

So, you walk to a train station in West London, and you meet a brother looking like your brother from back home and because you can be a talkative sometimes (especially when London underground trains aren’t working), you decide to engage him in a conversation. You say “brother, how’re you?” He throws a look at you like you just committed a Bruce Jenner crime and hisses like Caitlyn only to reply churlishly: “fine.”

You suspect he is Nigerian. You decide to probe further. You switch your Naija lingo game up “How far na?” Brotherman replies “Don’t understand you.” His fonned English reeks of Sapele water, you smell it. Before he walks off, “My mother”, he says,  “if you must know, is from Warri, but my dad is Dutch. Yes.”  By this time, you’re confused, asking yourself why brotherman gives such details but you didn't ask any question. In anger, he walks away.  It happens, you tell yourself. It happens.

It doesn’t stop there. Even the ones who seek education in foreign lands sip the Idiot Juice. The producers of that juice must be making a killing. I think Nigerian students drink it in excess too. “Why?” or “how”? you ask.

You’re a teacher in a university and you’re the only dudu (as they call you) in there English Dept.  You’re introduced to the class and you proceed to introduce yourself to the class with your Nigerian accent.  And now, drumroll please, wait for it—that’s where you’ve f&*ked up!  

A black hand owned by a student goes up and your oyibo line supervisor, excited, says “Ah, a question?” She gives the student permission to ask her question. The amala-faced, too-much-make-up student stands up and asks, “Is this the only class for this course.” Your oyibo line supervisor replies “no” and goes further, “why do you ask?”  Dear Nigerian sister (you can tell she’s Nigerian by her “h” factor; those who know, know) says “I didn’t pay £9,800 to be taught by a Nigerian.” Line supervisor replies “Of course.” Now, you don’t know who the idiot here is: the line supervisor or the Nigerian student whose English would confuse Apple’s Siri.

You leave it there. You say ok, ok, ok, got it. There are people like that. Class closes, you get your register and she is out of your class for the session. She’s relieved of your Naijaness.  You remain cool and you borrow Tuface’s phrase, “Nothing dey happen.” Your mind tells you to kill your anger by logging into Facebook.

Ha, you have four messages! First message from a Naija looking name with no profile picture reads, “Sir, I need a laptop. Thank you very much.” You delete the message immediately because you tell yourself that even Bill Gates doesn’t give out free laptops like that. 

Second message comes from a person with a beautiful profile picture: “She wants you to add her at just124q@hotmail.com. Pass. It’s a scam. The third follows the same route as the second. Only the fourth makes sense, it’s from a friend. You log out.

The day is about to end you go through Nigerian newspapers because you are interested in your country like that. You like to know what’s happening especially now that Baba is around. Then you realize that 91.7999%(this fluke statistics increases daily) of Nigerians don’t read news content, they read the headline and guess the remaining story. “How do I know?” you ask. I dare you to go and read the comments posted on most Nigerian online magazines and blogs, start with SaharaReporters and Linda Ikeji’s blog.

However, you still have hope. You know that idiots can get divine intervention. You just know some how that change is coming.  

Err, please don’t lift this article and publish it somewhere else without seeking my permission first. In other words, don’t be an idiot.

Written by: Michael Irene
Email: moshoke@yahoo.com 

Twitter: @moshoke